The first Christmas related post! (off-topic)
Posted: Mon Dec 02, 2002 8:19 pm
I love this one. Found it while going through some old e-mail... Most people only get through the first couple paragraphs (myself included), but it's still funny...
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious
visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal
darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there
ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise
with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -
"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost
exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the
smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue
from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the
walls thereof.
His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability.
The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were
engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former
approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that
of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a
common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared
like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of
a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.
By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation,
audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility:
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self
same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
HO! HO! HO!
'Twas The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious
visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal
darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there
ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise
with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining
the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have
been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he
vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen -
"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost
exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the
smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue
from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the
walls thereof.
His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability.
The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were
engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former
approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that
of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a
common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared
like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of
a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.
By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory
organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral
sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing
portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation,
audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility:
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self
same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
HO! HO! HO!